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Friday, June 3, 2011

Chapter 1, or What were you in for?

We're going to travel back in time again (gotta go back in tiiiime).  When I was staying at my parent's house in June 2008, I enlisted my friends in what I called the Get Jen Kissed program.  I was highly depressed and insecure and felt that finding a guy to kiss me would drastically raise my self esteem.  I went to Sacramento to visit my friend Anne.  We went to a super divey karaoke bar that had just the guy I was looking for.

He was a tall, sandy haired, very sweet, young looking guy and when he pulled out his ID to buy a drink I saw the big red stripe.  The red stripe that they don’t put on ID’s anymore that means he’s barely over 21.  I had to point that out. 
I said, “Oh my gosh, your ID has a stripe!  You’re brand new!”  
And this is my favorite part: he said, “Yeah, I couldn’t get a new one when I got out of prison.” 
Nooooooo. 
So, of course, I had to ask, “What were you in prison for?  Did you murder someone?”
At which point Anne said, “Jen, that’s private!” 
Um, he opened the door by bringing it up, did he not?  I never found out, but he was 22 and was in for 4 years so I don’t think it was murder.  He probably needed kissing as much as I did.  After a while I commented on his tongue ring.  Why a guy would have a tongue ring, I don’t know.  Well, I guess I do know. 
So I said to him, “I’ve never kissed a guy with a tongue ring before.” 
To which he replied, “Are you saying you want to kiss me?  Because I want to kiss you.” 
Naturally, I was very excited about my first post-separation kiss.  It was a pretty good kiss.  But I don’t like to kiss in front of people so we went outside.  After her song, Anne came outside to get me and go, and noticed that Prison Boy had a surprise in his pants.  I mean, it wasn’t a surprise to me (like I couldn’t feel that thing against my leg) but it was a surprise for her and she got quite a kick out of it. 
            My favorite part was afterward when I told my parents about it.  I told them I kissed a 22-year-old guy with a tongue ring who had just gotten out of prison (check) and they said, “He just got out of prison!  Did you think about where his mouth was before it was on yours?”  Uh, no.  No I did not.

 That was the most white trash way I've ever tried to boost my self esteem.  Probably why it didn't work.

1 comment:

  1. I am in love with this blog... It's like my anti-bible. There are so many lessons to be learned from your stories. Well, most of them bad... but I'm getting a major kick out of it.

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