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Monday, June 6, 2011

Nonline dating

About two months after my divorce was final I joined an online (or, as I like to call it, nonline) dating website.  The next day I joined Facebook (or, as I like to call it, that thing that took over my life).  I didn't start posting my nonline experiences on Facebook until July and two of my favorite emails came before that.

The first email I ever received asked if I would be interested in dating a bisexual guy.  I have some friends that will get mad when I say this, but it's my opinion and no one can prove that it is wrong, yet.  I feel like if I dated a bisexual guy I would double my chances of being cheated on.  Dating a straight guy you know you could only lose him to another woman.  I could lose a bisexual guy to a woman or a man.  Too many possibilities.  It's all about odds.

The second email I received (this is my favorite of the two) was from a large brown* man with a mustache and a beer belly (who described his body type as average).  It said, "I was just hoping to get to know u better and maybe u can show me what u can do wit dose nice lips you got."  I know what you're thinking.  How could I resist, right?  It was tough.  Between the use of the letter 'u' instead of the word 'you', the use of 'wit' instead of 'with' and 'dose' instead of 'those' and the complete lack of class or grammar, I didn't know where to begin my response.  So I didn't respond at all.  I know, I know, I probably missed out on the love of my life.  I snoozed and I loozed, I guess.

This was just the beginning and it only gets better from here.  And when I say better, I mean worse.  You'll see.

*footnote:  I sat and debated for at least 25 minutes about whether or not I should describe this guy as brown or Mexican.  I also debated as to whether or not I should specify his ethnicity at all.  I'm not sure if it comes across as non PC or racist to refer to him as brown but it does paint a more descriptive picture and possibly adds to the humor if you can do the accent in your head.  Another concept that may be considered non PC or racist.  But let me be clear, I am not racist.  I make fun of everyone equally.  So, if you can't handle a little thing like "brown", just wait till you hear me say Jew a few times.

1 comment:

  1. Gah! Online dating. I tried POF, OKCupid, AND (Considered Adult Friend Finder... but was uber intimidated by all the super model beauties that just COULDNT find a guy willing to bone them all night long). You are killing my business ethics btw. Facebook just sent me a text asking me if I'm seeing someone else. I told them it was this witty chick named Jennifer, but I'd be back soon. Don't make me a liar... Try not to be so awesome with your blogs. Side note... You ever call me "yellow" and we are no longer friends. Not that we were... but you get the picture.