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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Chapter 24, or The Lovely Liotta

            My name change had gone through almost exactly a year after The Ex left [June 2009], so I felt that such auspicious timing should be rewarded with a party.  Are you shocked?  I had what I called my Name Change Party (there’s no such thing as a bad party title).   I sent out an Evite saying this:
Hello, my name is Jen Liotta.  Would you like to come to my party and meet the new me?  I'll have snacks and drinks, games, karaoke, or we can go bar hopping if that tickles your fancy (we have bars in Chino Hills now!).  Whatever we do it'll be awesome because I'm a Liotta again!
I went to Costco and Bevmo to get snacks and mixers for cocktails.  My plan was to name everything after me (an all about me party, I’m a genius).  I put place cards by all the appetizers.  I had pesto and liotta Brie, chipotle liotta mini tacos, beef and cheese quesadiliottas, and sweet liotta cakes.  I made two signature cocktails, one that represented me and one that represented The Ex.  For his drink I wanted to make some version of an Adios Mother Fucker.  Appropriate, no?  I called it the Death to The Ex.  And for my drink I wanted something dainty and delicious, just like me (what, I don’t come across as dainty?).  I called it the Lovely Liotta.
            The day of the party I sent an email to everyone I knew saying this:
Okay family and friends, I finally got myself a new email address!  Drum roll please.........


     No more lame “The Ex” email address, and the Name Change Party is tonight!!!  Featuring two drinks: The Lovely Liotta, and the Death to The Ex!  Don’t be jealous that I’m totally creative.
     If you want to send me an email telling me how awesome you think I am, please do not reply to this one.  Use the fantastic new address above!


My dad responded with this:  
Awesome party drink names.  What is in them?  Let me suggest that the Lovely Liotta be a sweet, tasty, and caring drink that will make you feel good, while the Death to The Ex should be just fun enough to try, containing the latest mix of rebellious booze that will leave its taste in you for several years, and then suddenly leave without reason.  Love you, Dad.
I almost peed my pants laughing.  I decided to write those descriptions on note cards and place them in front of the punch bowls.  The description of the Death to The Ex was the hit of the party.
I made my friends in attendance wear name tags that said, “Hello, my name is” and then their first name followed by my last name.  Midway through the party I made them all take out their cell phones and change my last name.  Then it was time to play games.  We broke out the Wii and everyone laughed at me while I kicked ass at Dance Dance Revolution.  I guess I looked funny Dance Dancing in a dress, but not as funny as I looked playing Twister in a dress.  I tried to go change into shorts but my friends would not have that.  They were like hell no, you’re playing in that dress and we’re going to take pictures.  So I was like, fine.  They’re the ones that had to stare at my fat ass.

                              In case you can't tell, my ass is in my friend's face.  Ha to the ha.

          I am thankful to my friends for celebrating my new slash old name like they were ringing in a new year.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Annoying encounters: 2

I had a date night with my sister recently and towards the end of the evening I got hit on.  She went to the bathroom and a man who looked about 70 years old (I'll admit he couldn't have been 70, but he looked a lot older than my dad, who is 64) took her seat.

Me:  (Practically throwing myself on her chair before he can) Oh, sorry, this seat is taken.

Old Man:  (As he sits in the chair) It's okay, don't panic.

Me:  (With a slightly annoyed smile) My sister is sitting there, see - this is her stuff, she's just in the bathroom.

Old Man:  (Not deterred) I know, I saw her go to the bathroom.  That's why I came over here to talk to you.  I had to tell you, I think you're beautiful.

Me:  I think you look like my grandpa!

Old Man:  (laughing)  I probably do!

Me:  And you smell like him, too!  What is it about old dudes that they all smell the same?

Old Man:  Well, if you can smell it, that's a good thing!

Me:  (What the fuck does that mean?)  Uh, ha ha ha.

Old Man:  Don't worry, I'm harmless.

Me:  (laughing) Oh, I'm pretty sure I could take you down like that (snap my fingers)!

Old Man:  (returned laughter) My 83 year old mother could take me down like that!

Me:  (courtesy laughter while hoping we're finally done)  Oh, there's my sister!  Nice meeting you.

He could've walked by, tapped me on the shoulder, said, "Hey, you're beautiful" and then went on his way like sweet old men do, but he actually waited for my sister to leave and then sat down and made himself comfortable!  A behavior more suited to creepy old men.  He had balls, though.  Gotta give him that.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Grandmas say the darndest things

So, my grandma has officially lost her marbles.  She has left the building.  Literally, in fact, because she now requires 24 hour care.  She poops almost uncontrollably, talks to people who aren't there (and some who don't actually exist) and has been diagnosed with the big D - Dementia.  Being the kind of person who would rather look for the funny than dwell on the sad, I'd like to highlight some of her more humorous rantings.

Here are some of the ideas Grandma has gotten into her head lately:

1.  My sisters are having a double wedding (one sister is engaged, one is single - Grandma didn't tell us who the single sister is marrying and I'm sure said sister would like to know).
2.  My older sister is pregnant (she's not so much pregnant as she is NOT pregnant).
3.  My dad died.  He had heart surgery and didn't make it (he's alive and kicking so, naturally, now we tease him about his tiny dried up little heart).
4.  (And this is the best one) The Ex died and I needed to make money so I moved to LA and became a prostitute (To semi-quote Chelsea Handler: I'm not a prostitute - I don't charge people!).  And as if that wasn't enough?
              4a.  I brought my sister's ex-boyfriend with me to LA because he needed to make money, too.
              4b.  I am trying to steal her boyfriend.  She's been talking a lot about her first love (one day my uncle found her with a packed suitcase and when he asked where she was going, she said, "Laurie is coming to pick me up.  We're going to Vegas."  Did I mention that she's 92 years old?) so once, when I was visiting her, I asked for his last name and suggested we look him up and find him (the Nicholas Sparks romantic in me wanted to see her reunited with her first love 70 or so years later), to which she responded, "Oh, he's here.  He could be under this table right now, but no one will bring him to me."  Then, after I left, she told my aunt, "That Jennifer Liotta, she's after Laurie."  (Well, I am in the market for a man in his 90s.)

I read something somewhere that said, statistically, a husband will die six to 18 months after his wife dies.  I couldn't find anything that said how long a wife would survive after the death of her husband, but my Grandpa died 10 years ago and Grams is still kicking and screaming.  Literally.  She told one of the nurses (who she thinks is her maid/butler/cook), "I'm going to tell my son to fire you!  I don't need you here and if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna punch you in the face!"  Can you blame her?  It's so hard to find good help to wipe your ass these days.