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Monday, June 20, 2011

Nonline dating tips for guys

I have started a collection of To-Don'ts for any guy who decides to try, or already is, online dating.  It's basically things you shouldn't do, say or suggest unless you want to come across as lame, cliche and/or psycho.

Let's start with your picture.  You should not have more than four and they should show your face clearly.  Don't waste my time with blurry or shadowed pictures.  I'm not interested in seeing a picture of your dog, truck, motorcycle or art.  I also don't care to see pictures of you in large groups.  I don't know you well enough to figure out which one you are, and maybe I'll think your friends are better looking.  I especially don't want to see a picture of you with a pretty girl.  What is that?  Are you showing off that you can get a pretty girl?  Because obviously you're not together anymore so what you're showing me is that you can't keep a pretty girl.  Good job, loser.  Do not post a picture of yourself looking slightly off to the side, pensive, as if you're reading something very philosophical on the wall behind the camera.  You're not fooling anyone with that.  And please, do not ever, under any circumstances, post a picture you took of your reflection in the bathroom mirror with your cell phone.  Get some friends.  If you don't have any friends, get a tripod.  The only thing worse than taking that picture of yourself is taking it with your shirt off.  Roughly translated, it says, "I have no personality but I've got abs.  Good enough?"  (One guy's profile had 7 pictures just of his body, one with his hand in his pants.  That was a real treat.)

Next, in your profile, never say, "I like to work hard and play hard," or any variation of the phrase.  It is the lamest thing ever.  In the whole world.  Also, never say anything like, "I'm not looking for games or drama."  Seriously?  Nobody is looking for games or drama, stupid.  You've just become another annoying, unoriginal douche nozzle.  Congratulations.

Finally, please don't suggest taking a girl out for a walk on the beach, picnic or hike.  I mean, what kind of cheese ball cliche crap is that?  A walk on the beach?  How original, I've never heard that one before.  A picnic?  No thank you.  I've seen that horror movie.  Things do not go well for the hot girl.  A hike?  Really?  Sure, what better way to let you murder me and chop me into a million pieces and leave me scattered on the mountainside.  Should I also leave my cell phone in the car and be sure not to tell anyone where I'm going or who I'm meeting?

Think before you type, guys.  We single women have to be very cautious.  The world is a crazy place.  What you may think we consider to be romantic, we may consider to be dangerous.  Especially if we have never met you.  Public places are the key to our safety.  Suggest a cocktail or lunch.  It may sound boring, but it's smart.  Then you can take us to dinner.  To a real restaurant, not glorified fast food...but that's a story for another day.

1 comment:

  1. This on had me laughing really hard and loud. Well they all do, but this one even funnier.