Back to July 2008 and Guy from high school (with the giant dong). I was in town again so we arranged to "hang out". We packed some wine and blankets and went to a golf course. We had an actual conversation, but it was the kind you have while you're waiting for the right moment to jump each other.
For three or four hours it was all sex and talking on the golf course. Well, technically, we were on the lawn; we did not defile the green. At one point, mid kiss, he said, “Jen, I want you to spend the night with me.” Here are the reasons why I could only answer yes to that:
a) You can probably get me to do anything if you ask while kissing me
b) He said my name, I love hearing my name in that sexy half-whisper
c) It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and I love sexy demands
d) We were out of condoms and he had more at home
e) I had forgotten that his mom was home.
When we got back to his place it set in that his mom was there somewhere and I was going to have to be quiet. That was going to be interesting. It ended up not being much of a problem because he only had one condom and despite his convincing argument that we could reuse it, I thought I remembered hearing somewhere that you’re not supposed to reuse condoms. Hmm, let me think, where does it say that? Oh yeah, ON THE BOX! Also, he kept trying to have sex without a condom. That’s an after school special waiting to happen.I wish the worst part the next morning was discovering that my white Capri pants had mud, grass, and wine stains on them. Stains, schmains, I had to do the walk of shame in front of his mother! He just had to say goodbye to her before we left. She came downstairs and complimented my shoes and asked if she could make me breakfast. She was really very sweet, but it was quite possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life. If we didn’t have to leave because he had to work I don’t know how I would’ve gotten out of that. When he dropped me off I considered making him come inside to meet my parents just to get even. Instead I went inside and had my mom help me get all the stains out of my pants.