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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Dumb Detox, Day 28!

I did it!  28 days no refined sugar, no gluten, no red meat, no dairy, no ALCOHOL!

At work today, people kept asking me what I'm going to do now.  As if I just won the Superbowl.  I don't plan on changing much dietary-wise.  But come Friday night, I am retoxing cocktail-wise.  

With the exception of Parmesan withdrawals the first couple times I ate rice pasta and the high probability of eating my own arm if I hadn't gotten to eat chicken when I did, I really didn't have any cravings.  I put all my forbidden foods on the top shelf of my refrigerator with the intent to take them to my parent's house.  Of course, my lazy ass never ended up doing that, so it all just sat there.  Eggs, four different kinds of cheese, 9 grain sourdough bread, turkey bacon...and I never even noticed them!  Never got tempted.  My hippie sister says it's because eating the foods causes the cravings - so if you don't eat them, your brain no longer thinks it wants them.  

I was told a long time ago (by one of those emails my mom forwarded to me) that if you're craving chocolate it means your body needs Magnesium, so you should eat an apple instead.  I was like, yeah, my body may want magnesium, but my mouth wants chocolate.  And you know what doesn't taste like chocolate?  A fucking apple!  My hippie sister laughed at me when I told her that I haven't craved chocolate at all during this 28 day process and, coincidentally, I have been eating apples on the regular. 

I ate quite often, filled up fast, found I wasn't as hungry as usual and lost 9 pounds total.  Hippie sister was like, "Isn't it amazing how different your body reacts when you give it food it can actually digest?"  Alright, I think I've rebelled long enough.  There might be something to this healthy eating business.

Here are some dumb lessons I learned on this dumb detox:

1.  You do have to drink to have fun - if  you go to a bar.
2.  You'd be surprised the things you can do - or not do - when you're afraid your hippie sister is going to get even more skinny than you.
3.  Detoxing makes you poop a lot.  And I already poop a lot.
4.  After being miserably bloated, you do get that burst of energy that people talk about - and it turns you into an asshole who says the kind of annoying, positive, motivational shit you used to enjoy making fun of.
5.  Rice bread tastes like cake...if cake tastes like cardboard.

28 down, 0 to go!

Thanks for taking this journey with me!  I hope you enjoyed a few cocktails while reading.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 25-27

On the eve of the final day of this dumb detox, I can't help but think that in about 27 hours...I can have WINE again!  I want to pour wine in my food and in my mouth.  (I may not even take the time to use a glass.)  I want to take a wine shower and wash my hair with drinkable wine shampoo.  I want to sit in a bathtub full of wine while sipping a glass of wine.  I would have wine for breakfast on Thursday morning if I didn't have to go to work.  Hmm, maybe I should call in sick.

27 down, 1 to go!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 22-24

This weekend I met some friends at the local piano bar.  I couldn't eat (or drink) there, so I had to plan ahead.

Since I can't have beef yet and I'm not sure if bison (Buffalo...Buff...Tatonka) counts as a game meat, I thought I would be clever and make a meat loaf out of ground chicken.  It was not clever.  I couldn't put eggs, bread crumbs or wine in it, and chicken is not very fatty, so it ended up tasting mostly like cardboard with a hint of garlic.  Note to self: don't try to be clever with ground chicken. And don't buy ground chicken.

Anyway, when my friend asked if I'd like to go I was like, sure!  I can't drink, but I can still be awesome!  The thing is, a bar is a very different place when you don't get to drink.  I mean, even when you're the designated driver you can have a drink or two early in the night and be fine to drive home by the time 2am rolls around; and you have something to hold and sip throughout the night.  When you can't drink you just sit there, disdainfully watching all the drunk idiots, wishing you were a drunk idiot, too.

The one thing that doesn't change is the people watching.  Drunk or sober, it is always entertaining to watch cougars pretend they are not dancing that way (you know what way I mean - hips shifting slowly side to side, one arm up, the other holding a drink, head gently nodding to the music and busting out a WOO! every now and again) for the male twenty-something audience.  The sad thing is, there's a strong possibility that will be me in the not too distant future.  I mean, let's face it, I'm not getting any less single.  Here's what I've learned about how to be a cougar:

1.  Your face doesn't have to be all that pretty, you just have to wear enough make up that it looks pretty from across the bar (I believe this is know as the full on Monet, the 50 yard fake out, and/or the butterface).
2.  You must have a rockin' 25 year old bod that doesn't go with your obviously 45 year old face.
3.  You must dress like a 25 year old to go with your rockin' 25 year old bod that doesn't go with your obviously 45 year old face.
4.  You must dance like you're in a sorority.

I'm working on the healthy rockin' bod first.  24 down, 4 to go!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 19-21

I've been so excited about getting to add meat back into my diet that for the last 3 days I've been maybe - possibly - deliriously - happy.

Happy Meatday!  Chicken in my salad!  Chick, chick, chick chicken in my salad!  Ground turkey in my marinara!  Ground turk, turk, turkey in my marinara!  It's a B-E-A-Utiful day, isn't?

Is Bison considered a game meat?  Or does it not count because it's red?  Although, lamb is red and it counts.

(sister) Excellent question, you can eat lamb and really how different are lamb and bison?! ha!

I know, lamb and buffalo are practically synonymous!  Well, and it says all "game meats," doesn't that mean all the weird shit like lamb?  Maybe I'll wait, just in case.  They have lamb shanks and lamb loins...I wouldn't know what to do with either of those.  How cute, you can buy AH loin!  I don't even own AH loin, let alone many loins that would necessitate an entire lamb.  What am I gonna do with a lamb loin?

Hey, let's go to Sprouts to get the ingredients for the chick pea - sweet potato hippie burgers.  Then I can get some gluten free hippie bread and taste free hippie snacks!

Dude, seriously?  I think chicken gives me gas!  I put 3oz in my salad and I'm tootin' like a MoFo!  Hoping they're residual vegetable toots.  Don't want to give up chicken!  But ya know, where's the logic in that, anyway?  No one would ever say, "Vegetables give you rich, stinky gas and turn your shit green?  You should probably stop eating those!"  Although, I wish someone would.  Oh, le foof.

21 down, 7 to go!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 16-18

We got to add back nuts* and beans (or legumes - if you're feeling fancy).  This weekend was all about nuts* for me.  And because I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy, every time I say the word 'nuts'* I think of male genitalia.  And I laugh like Beavis and Butthead.

I brought apples, celery and almond butter with me to work on Friday for my snacks and then carried on the tradition Saturday and Sunday.  I didn't really explore the bean department - not when I had so many delicious nuts* around!

When I eat the almond butter, I have to keep a tablespoon on hand (I even brought one to work) so I am sure to measure my servings.  I need that kind of control.  Otherwise, my apple wedges and celery stalks become edible spoons for to shovel almond butter into my face hole.

So far, I'm not having any bad reactions.  I don't think I'm allergic to nuts*.  Unless we are talking about male genitalia, in which case I will definitely say I'm allergic to nuts* if it means I have to keep my face far away from them.

18 down, 10 to go!

*hehe, nuts

Friday, August 17, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 14 & 15

The ass flush week is over and we get to add things back to our diet now - starting with gluten free breads, cereals and starches and dairy-free dairy products (made from rice - not soy).

Day 14:

I am such a happy camper today!  I had a half serving of oatmeal for breakfast with my shake (wasn't hungry enough for a whole serving!) and brought a salad and rice pasta with marinara to work.  I made the marinara last night and it was really had not to put wine in it - or MEAT for that matter - but it's still pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  It could use some Parmesan...ahh cheese...Anyway, I blended avocados into the salad dressing (The Magic Bullet - best purchase ever) to make it all creamy.  I'm so creative!

Oh em gee.  I couldn't finish my pasta.  Not because it didn't taste good.  But because I am FULL.  What?  Huh?  Yeah!  I'm full!  Okay, so maybe I served myself 2 portions of pasta and I only ate 1 and a half...but where I come from, that's called PROGRESS, sister!  I would please like a medal or reward of some kind?  K, thx.

I couldn't finish my dinner pasta either!  I have an extra serving for tomorrow!  This is totally whack.  Sup with the whack detox, sup!

Day 15:

I added arugula to my salad today.  Totally spiced it up.  And I have a new way of cooking broccoli and green beans.  I kinda copied the idea from Buca.  I saute them in olive oil and lemon juice with garlic and a little salt.  They're crunchy (said like Giada with a strong R) and delicious!

Can't wait for tomorrow - we get to add back nuts and beans!  Wow, that may be the dumbest thing I've ever been excited about.  Well, probably not, but let's not go there.

15 down, 13 to go!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 11-13

This string of texts is what happens when you go an entire week eating only fruits, vegetables and rice:

Me:  Dude, yesterday was painful.  I think my rice went bad.  It had a weird sour taste.  And my roasted vegetables turned out nasty.  I tried just Italian seasoning like you did, but instead of tasting delicious like yours it tasted like dirt and sticks were sprinkled on my veggies.  I clearly didn't drown them in enough oil so when I go home I sauteed them with garlic.  They only got a little better, not a lot.  Sad face.  I need meat!  Both kinds, if ya know what I mean.  This full body detox is really putting a damper on my slutty urges.

Sister:  haha, that is awesome!  I mean it's not but it is.  I made more dumb vegetables last night but I also made some dumb broccoli so at least I'll have a different dumb flavor in my dumb mouth!

Me:  hahahaha!  I had already added dumb broccoli to my dumb vegetables.  I jumped the dumb gun!

Me:  P.S.  I did not enjoy my turnip.  I don't know if I picked a bad one or cut it wrong or maybe it was parsnip I liked last time because my turnip tastes like sour ass.  How's yours?

Sister:  I'm worried about the turnip.  I didn't like the way it smelled when I cut it yesterday...I'm nervous about it.  I'll let you know in a bit when I eat it.

Me:  It's interesting.  I am extremely hungry right now, my stomach was growling a moment ago, but as soon as I start to fork up some salad I become painfully full.  I'm beginning to think vegetables are  the devil.  Maybe I need to start drinking my veggies like the guy in that documentary.
       Yep.  Just took a bite and it activated my gag reflex.  Wretched micro-nutrient rich foods!

Sister (regarding turnip):  It tastes like butt cauliflower to me.

Me:  Butt cauliflower?  As opposed to foot cauliflower?  Or fart cauliflower?

Sister:  haha, as opposed to regular cauliflower.

Me:  Gross.  That's the worst kind!  haha

Yes, these are the kinds of conversations we have.  Sometimes it's like we're drunk, except neither of us has had a drop of alcohol in over 2 weeks.  

Tomorrow we get to add back things like rice crackers, rice pasta, rice cakes, oatmeal and other gluten free, bland starches/bread/cereals.  I'm pretty impressed that I made it through days 7-13 without getting fired from work/friends/family or life in general.

13 down, 15 to go!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 8-10

Day 8:
(On dressing up to see Les Miserables) 
How come I'm thinner than I was when I bought this dress, yet it feels tighter than it used to around my waist?  Oh, right, because I'm bloated.  Stupid fiber!

Day 9:
(On my private dance lesson)
We're doing cha cha today?  I don't know if that's a good idea.  I'm rockin' a major fiber baby right now and I can't be responsible for what might come out if I shake it too much.  Damn fiber!

Day 10:
(On existing)
This morning I weighed myself.  Then, an hour and a half later, I pooped and weighed myself again.  I pooped a pound!*  A whole pound!  And yet, I'm so bloated that if I was in a plane and we had to prepare for an emergency water landing, I could use myself as the floatation device.  I'm a bloatation device!  F*ck you, fiber!

10 down, 18 to go!

*I'm such a delicate flower.  It's weird I'm still single.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 3-7

Days 3 through 6 whizzed by.  I pushed through the weekend like a rock star.  My Aunt and Uncle had a going away party and I brought my own food and a Nalgene full of water that I refilled about seven times throughout the evening.  I think I peed at least that many times. 

I made one of the soups from a recipe provided by The Almighty Detox (that's the name I made up for the imaginary soul behind this dumb detox) and brought it to work with me on Monday.  It was bland and disgusting and it kinda looked like vomit.  I had more to bring with me on Tuesday, but I fed it to my garbage disposal and brought rice cakes with almond butter instead - which was delicious aaaaand nutritious.

With the exception of feeling a kind of bloated I have never known before, and looking mildly pregnant due to said bloating, this dumb detox hasn't been so bad.

Today is day 7.  I think it can be best described through this series of text messages to my sister:

Just sent you an email with a recipe for gluten free rice crackers.  But they don't have rice in them.  Don't know why they're called rice crackers.  Anyway, how's day 7 going for you so far?  I made a giant batch of rice this morning.  And by giant, I mean I could probably feed China.  I think I might hate rice after this week.

Sister's response: Let's make them!  This weekend we can shop at Sprouts and make rice crackers from scratch!  Hey, I got a question...when did we turn into hippies?!

Seriously, we need to stop washing our hair, start rubbing crystal rocks on our pits and wear clothes made from hemp.

For lunch today I have a salad of lettuce, tomato, avocado, green beans and boring "healthy" salad dressing accompanied by rice with avocado.  So far, so good.  I can totally do this for 7 days.  Because I'm a rockstar.  And because I'm not creative enough to think of another meal using only vegetables, fruits and rice.  And because I'd rather be hungry than fat.

Dinner was a smoothie of dumb detox powder, strawberries, blueberries and banana, a plate of rice with avocado, and roasted vegetables...except I got full before I could eat the roasted vegetables.

My stomach hurts.  I'm hungry and full at the same time.  I hate rice, I hate vegetables and I hate, I hate, I HATE salad dressing!  6 more days of this?  I might scratch my face right off of my face.

7 down, 21 to go!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Dumb Detox, Day 2

Oatmeal was better today.  I added a teeny bit of vanilla rice milk and heated the bananas in the oatmeal so they got all mushy.  I'm calling it cinnamon banana oatmeal deluxe.  I'm sure no one has ever thought of doing that.  I'm so creative.  I could totally be a chef.

Apparently my hummus and rice cracker lunch wasn't enough to keep the cranky down.  I was ranting about a customer to three of my coworkers when suddenly one interrupts me and says to the other two, "Wait a minute - just so everybody knows - she's detoxing!"  It was hilarious.

Added chicken to the pasta and beans tonight.  It was good but it wasn't cheese.  Throughout my entire meal I had to make a conscious effort to believe I didn't want cheese.  But I did.  A whole lot.  I think alcohol may not be the hardest thing for me to go without for 28 days.  I think it might be cheese. 

Oh yeah, tried Trader Joe's almond butter with flax seeds.  After stirring it for what seemed like half an hour, and getting a much-needed arm workout, I discovered it was quite delicious!  But I don't get why it's better for me than peanut butter.  Same amount of calories per serving, same amount of fat, same everything!  What do they got that peanuts ain't got (besides courage)?

The courage remark was a reference to the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz.  And the answer to my question was that peanuts cause inflammation...which results from white blood cells dying off to heal the body...which are needed to defend the body from toxins...which explains the point of a dumb detox.  See how things come round full circle?

2 down, 26 to go!

Dumb Detox, Day 1

Throughout my first day (yesterday) of this dumb detox/cleanse thing, I sent my sister (who is my dumb detox team mate) a series of text messages:

Day 1: So far, so good.  Altho, I need sweetener for my oatmeal.  Cinnamon is about as sweet as my shoe.  Do you recommend Stevia or brown rice syrup...or something else?

Now that you mention it, I remember the one time I tried Stevia I wanted to scratch the top layer of my tongue off to remove that nasty flavor. Can one purchase Truvia at a grocery store?

So, the rice crackers aren't the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth!  I was  pretty impressed.  They make hummus with tomato and avocado slices seem like a meal!  Trader Joe's garlic hummus is not the best.  Good thing I put olive oil* and balsamic vinegar in it.  I still ate almost the entire container and I have 735 calories** left for dinner and a shake.  So far I'm rockin' day 1!

The pasta and beans wasn't half bad!  Of course, it could have used a little wine (as could have my mouth) and I wanted to pour cheese on top of it so badly it made my face hurt.  But I powered through like a champ!

Day 1 ended with dance class, so I was extra successful on accounta eating healthy and exercising in the same day.  1 down, 27 to go!

*Yes, olive oil is one of the acceptable fats
**I'm not required to count calories, I'm doing it partly out of habit and partly out of curiosity.

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I have decided to do one of those dumb detox/cleanse things with my sister.  Originally, I was going to opt for 10 days of hunger and crankiness, but then I remembered that I was very popular in June and July and along with the lovely memories, I packed on five big ones.  So, I decided to dive in and go for 28 days of hunger and crankiness.  (I know these dumb detox/cleanse things aren't designed for weight loss, but let's face it, nobody puts themselves through that kind of misery without losing weight.)

No refined sugar, no dairy, no red meat, no gluten, no alcohol.  I know what you're thinking:  what CAN you eat?  Well, I'll tell you.  Healthy stuff.  Again, I know what you're thinking:  what's healthy stuff?  Well, I'll tell you...good question.  Luckily this program comes with a list of acceptable foods.

I went to my local Trader Joe's - my health food store of choice.  There's a Whole Foods closer to my apartment, but I'm afraid of the people who shop at Whole Foods.  They can smell the cheese made from cow's milk, and not soy, on me from a mile away.  They look at me like I'm a human pesticide sprinkling my sin all over their organic Garden of Eden - and stood in the produce section, like a dummy, with the list.

The thing is, I eat fruits and vegetables on the regular.  But for some reason, probably because I'm limited to a list and have to follow a bunch of rules, I felt like I'd never bought food before.  I was like, what is this?  Frewit?  Oh, it's pronounced "froot"?  So the "I" is silent.  Tricky.  Vegetables, huh?  They're mostly water, right?  So, I'd probably need to eat, like, a bucket of them before I get full?  Do you sell them by the bucket?  How about by the barrel?

The no gluten part is the most fun.  Everything has to be made from rice.  Rice milk, rice pasta, rice bread, rice crackers, rice cakes (which, as we all know, are not actually cakes. That name is very deceiving).  So I'm trying to find all these rice products (and I look like I'm lost in a library - head up, mouth open, eyes wide, gazing like I have a purpose but, really, I don't know what the hell I'm doing and cursing the Dewey decimal system) when I come across circles of cardboard wrapped in plastic.  Oh, those are rice cakes?  You eat those?  You don't use them as a shim under a table that's standing on an uneven surface?  Interesting.  I am learning so much today! 

One hour and $111 later, I had all kinds of healthy crap that will hopefully last me more than a week.

28 days.  Wish me luck!  Be supportive, not honest.  Unless your honesty is supportive.  I hope you're ready to take this journey with me!