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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Big O

*warning: this post contains adult content of a masturbatory nature*

A year before my husband left, my sister and her husband split up.  A good friend of mine suggested we get her a dildo as a joke.  (Well, kind of a joke.)  While we were at a super awesome shop called A Touch of Romance, my friend suggested I get one for myself, too.  I had never used one before.  She told me I could use it with my husband to spice up our sex life.  Spice up what?  We were totally rocking missionary, and every once in a while we'd throw in a little cowgirl action.  How much more spicing did we need?  (Guy from high school...and maybe a few others...gave me the answer to that question.)

Well, thank you to my friend, because that Bathtub Bunny (or EZ Bend Bunny?  Something like that) has saved my life!  I didn't use it a whole lot with my husband, mostly when he was out of town.  One time, when he was away on business, the housekeeper came over.  She must have picked a bad day to make my bed because she came out of my room looking horrified and said, "Jennifer?  There' your bed?"  I was worried there was a rodent or a spider in my bed so I rushed into my room and found my dildo laying there, in all it's glory!  I forgot I left it there.  Oops.

It was slightly embarrassing, but not as funny as the time my friend found it.  After The Ex left I used that bad boy all the time (still do).  Every night to help me fall asleep and everyday to wake me up.  I didn't always have a nightstand with drawers, so I just kept it in my bed next to me (again, still do) along with a Costco pack of triple A batteries (they run out fast!).  Well, this one time, (at band camp) my friend was in town, and the first night staying with me she pulled back the covers and was greeted by my dildo and the battery pack.  She cracked up!  And she never lets me forget it.  But I don't mind, it's a funny story.

My other sister lives with me and we'll watch TV shows in my room sometimes.  The poor girl has unwittingly laid on or leaned on my dildo because I forgot to put it away (I have a nightstand with drawers now).  It's under the covers, so she's never actually touched it.  My cat sleeps over it all the time (it's under the covers, she's not touching it either) and she never complains, I don't know why my sister gets so upset.  Jeez.

It's just a dildo.  We all have one.  If you don't have one, you should get one.  And if you're uptight about getting one, that's just proof that you extra super duper need one.  Ladies, we need to embrace our sexuality.  It's called a pleasuring device.  If we don't know how to pleasure ourselves, how are we going to help a guy pleasure us when he's fumbling around down there like a blind piano player?  He can't find your clit with a map and you're supposed to lay there and pretend to like it?  Sounds like a waste of time to me.  Knowledge is power!

As a single woman who is not currently getting laid, I find that masturbating is the thing that keeps me the most sane (well, Jen-level sane).  I'm irritated and cranky a lot of the time as I go though this almost six month dry spell, but it would be much worse if I didn't have my little purple friend (I shouldn't say little, he's not little, he's average).  It's scientifically proven that orgasms relieve tension and stress, calm food cravings, clear up your skin, boost your immune system, and burn calories.  It's simple: masturbate your way to a healthy lifestyle!


  1. I feel like the cat doesn't know what she is laying on and if she did she would not lay there...unless she's into that, she could use a boosted metabolism!

  2. o_O Eye... twitching... there are so many ways to respond to this blog... Ahhh... armmmm. ugh... Frickin nevermind.