I did it! 28 days no refined sugar, no gluten, no red meat, no dairy, no ALCOHOL!
At work today, people kept asking me what I'm going to do now. As if I just won the Superbowl. I don't plan on changing much dietary-wise. But come Friday night, I am retoxing cocktail-wise.
With the exception of Parmesan withdrawals the first couple times I ate rice pasta and the high probability of eating my own arm if I hadn't gotten to eat chicken when I did, I really didn't have any cravings. I put all my forbidden foods on the top shelf of my refrigerator with the intent to take them to my parent's house. Of course, my lazy ass never ended up doing that, so it all just sat there. Eggs, four different kinds of cheese, 9 grain sourdough bread, turkey bacon...and I never even noticed them! Never got tempted. My hippie sister says it's because eating the foods causes the cravings - so if you don't eat them, your brain no longer thinks it wants them.
I was told a long time ago (by one of those emails my mom forwarded to me) that if you're craving chocolate it means your body needs Magnesium, so you should eat an apple instead. I was like, yeah, my body may want magnesium, but my mouth wants chocolate. And you know what doesn't taste like chocolate? A fucking apple! My hippie sister laughed at me when I told her that I haven't craved chocolate at all during this 28 day process and, coincidentally, I have been eating apples on the regular.
I ate quite often, filled up fast, found I wasn't as hungry as usual and lost 9 pounds total. Hippie sister was like, "Isn't it amazing how different your body reacts when you give it food it can actually digest?" Alright, I think I've rebelled long enough. There might be something to this healthy eating business.
Here are some dumb lessons I learned on this dumb detox:
1. You do have to drink to have fun - if you go to a bar.
2. You'd be surprised the things you can do - or not do - when you're afraid your hippie sister is going to get even more skinny than you.
3. Detoxing makes you poop a lot. And I already poop a lot.
4. After being miserably bloated, you do get that burst of energy that people talk about - and it turns you into an asshole who says the kind of annoying, positive, motivational shit you used to enjoy making fun of.
5. Rice bread tastes like cake...if cake tastes like cardboard.
28 down, 0 to go!
Thanks for taking this journey with me! I hope you enjoyed a few cocktails while reading.