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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Dumb Detox, Days 22-24

This weekend I met some friends at the local piano bar.  I couldn't eat (or drink) there, so I had to plan ahead.

Since I can't have beef yet and I'm not sure if bison (Buffalo...Buff...Tatonka) counts as a game meat, I thought I would be clever and make a meat loaf out of ground chicken.  It was not clever.  I couldn't put eggs, bread crumbs or wine in it, and chicken is not very fatty, so it ended up tasting mostly like cardboard with a hint of garlic.  Note to self: don't try to be clever with ground chicken. And don't buy ground chicken.

Anyway, when my friend asked if I'd like to go I was like, sure!  I can't drink, but I can still be awesome!  The thing is, a bar is a very different place when you don't get to drink.  I mean, even when you're the designated driver you can have a drink or two early in the night and be fine to drive home by the time 2am rolls around; and you have something to hold and sip throughout the night.  When you can't drink you just sit there, disdainfully watching all the drunk idiots, wishing you were a drunk idiot, too.

The one thing that doesn't change is the people watching.  Drunk or sober, it is always entertaining to watch cougars pretend they are not dancing that way (you know what way I mean - hips shifting slowly side to side, one arm up, the other holding a drink, head gently nodding to the music and busting out a WOO! every now and again) for the male twenty-something audience.  The sad thing is, there's a strong possibility that will be me in the not too distant future.  I mean, let's face it, I'm not getting any less single.  Here's what I've learned about how to be a cougar:

1.  Your face doesn't have to be all that pretty, you just have to wear enough make up that it looks pretty from across the bar (I believe this is know as the full on Monet, the 50 yard fake out, and/or the butterface).
2.  You must have a rockin' 25 year old bod that doesn't go with your obviously 45 year old face.
3.  You must dress like a 25 year old to go with your rockin' 25 year old bod that doesn't go with your obviously 45 year old face.
4.  You must dance like you're in a sorority.

I'm working on the healthy rockin' bod first.  24 down, 4 to go!

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