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Thursday, August 2, 2012


I have decided to do one of those dumb detox/cleanse things with my sister.  Originally, I was going to opt for 10 days of hunger and crankiness, but then I remembered that I was very popular in June and July and along with the lovely memories, I packed on five big ones.  So, I decided to dive in and go for 28 days of hunger and crankiness.  (I know these dumb detox/cleanse things aren't designed for weight loss, but let's face it, nobody puts themselves through that kind of misery without losing weight.)

No refined sugar, no dairy, no red meat, no gluten, no alcohol.  I know what you're thinking:  what CAN you eat?  Well, I'll tell you.  Healthy stuff.  Again, I know what you're thinking:  what's healthy stuff?  Well, I'll tell you...good question.  Luckily this program comes with a list of acceptable foods.

I went to my local Trader Joe's - my health food store of choice.  There's a Whole Foods closer to my apartment, but I'm afraid of the people who shop at Whole Foods.  They can smell the cheese made from cow's milk, and not soy, on me from a mile away.  They look at me like I'm a human pesticide sprinkling my sin all over their organic Garden of Eden - and stood in the produce section, like a dummy, with the list.

The thing is, I eat fruits and vegetables on the regular.  But for some reason, probably because I'm limited to a list and have to follow a bunch of rules, I felt like I'd never bought food before.  I was like, what is this?  Frewit?  Oh, it's pronounced "froot"?  So the "I" is silent.  Tricky.  Vegetables, huh?  They're mostly water, right?  So, I'd probably need to eat, like, a bucket of them before I get full?  Do you sell them by the bucket?  How about by the barrel?

The no gluten part is the most fun.  Everything has to be made from rice.  Rice milk, rice pasta, rice bread, rice crackers, rice cakes (which, as we all know, are not actually cakes. That name is very deceiving).  So I'm trying to find all these rice products (and I look like I'm lost in a library - head up, mouth open, eyes wide, gazing like I have a purpose but, really, I don't know what the hell I'm doing and cursing the Dewey decimal system) when I come across circles of cardboard wrapped in plastic.  Oh, those are rice cakes?  You eat those?  You don't use them as a shim under a table that's standing on an uneven surface?  Interesting.  I am learning so much today! 

One hour and $111 later, I had all kinds of healthy crap that will hopefully last me more than a week.

28 days.  Wish me luck!  Be supportive, not honest.  Unless your honesty is supportive.  I hope you're ready to take this journey with me!

1 comment:

  1. You have got to be kidding. I need a drink and you aren't drinking for 28 days? GAH!