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Saturday, September 8, 2012

Grandmas say the darndest things

So, my grandma has officially lost her marbles.  She has left the building.  Literally, in fact, because she now requires 24 hour care.  She poops almost uncontrollably, talks to people who aren't there (and some who don't actually exist) and has been diagnosed with the big D - Dementia.  Being the kind of person who would rather look for the funny than dwell on the sad, I'd like to highlight some of her more humorous rantings.

Here are some of the ideas Grandma has gotten into her head lately:

1.  My sisters are having a double wedding (one sister is engaged, one is single - Grandma didn't tell us who the single sister is marrying and I'm sure said sister would like to know).
2.  My older sister is pregnant (she's not so much pregnant as she is NOT pregnant).
3.  My dad died.  He had heart surgery and didn't make it (he's alive and kicking so, naturally, now we tease him about his tiny dried up little heart).
4.  (And this is the best one) The Ex died and I needed to make money so I moved to LA and became a prostitute (To semi-quote Chelsea Handler: I'm not a prostitute - I don't charge people!).  And as if that wasn't enough?
              4a.  I brought my sister's ex-boyfriend with me to LA because he needed to make money, too.
              4b.  I am trying to steal her boyfriend.  She's been talking a lot about her first love (one day my uncle found her with a packed suitcase and when he asked where she was going, she said, "Laurie is coming to pick me up.  We're going to Vegas."  Did I mention that she's 92 years old?) so once, when I was visiting her, I asked for his last name and suggested we look him up and find him (the Nicholas Sparks romantic in me wanted to see her reunited with her first love 70 or so years later), to which she responded, "Oh, he's here.  He could be under this table right now, but no one will bring him to me."  Then, after I left, she told my aunt, "That Jennifer Liotta, she's after Laurie."  (Well, I am in the market for a man in his 90s.)

I read something somewhere that said, statistically, a husband will die six to 18 months after his wife dies.  I couldn't find anything that said how long a wife would survive after the death of her husband, but my Grandpa died 10 years ago and Grams is still kicking and screaming.  Literally.  She told one of the nurses (who she thinks is her maid/butler/cook), "I'm going to tell my son to fire you!  I don't need you here and if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna punch you in the face!"  Can you blame her?  It's so hard to find good help to wipe your ass these days.

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