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Sunday, July 31, 2011

The eye doctor

I had to go to the eye doctor the other day.  Upon noticing that my new eye doctor was slightly attractive, two thoughts went through my head simultaneously.  One was, "I'm about to be two inches away from this guy's face and I forgot to pop a breath mint!"  The other one was, "This is so Monica and Richard."  Because, sometimes, I see a good looking man and I imagine-marry him and make up a how-we-met story in my head.  It's not weird.  Why would you say that?

I was slightly distracted from the story I was creating in my head when he did the whole "Is the middle line more clear through #1 or #2?  #3 or #4?  #5 or #6?" thing.  That test always makes me feel like an idiot.  They flip through those lenses so fast.  I need more time to decide!

But my story was completely forgotten when he held a magnifying tool centimeters from my eyes and shined that super bright light in them (the one that is completely blinding even though you're staring at the doctor's shoulder or the ceiling) and said, "Hmm, your left retina is thinning.  And there are stretch marks on your eye."  WHAT?  Stretch marks?  On my EYE?  (I guess they go with the ones on my thighs.  Like matching your purse to your shoes, or something.)  How does that even happen?

He said it's usually caused by blunt force trauma to the head or eye.  I watch a lot of crime dramas, and the only cases of blunt force trauma I've seen happened to the people whose deaths were being investigated.  I'm pretty sure I'd remember surviving blunt force trauma.  Then he said it's very rare and not to worry about it.  Just be sure to protect my eye.  You know, from blunt force trauma.  Or too much sun.  Great.  I just need a pair of sunglasses that protect me from UV rays and baseball bats.  Should be easy to find.

For the rest of the day I thought about nothing but my freakish eye.  And I had to wonder*, if one's freakish condition cannot be seen, is it considered any less freakish?  Regardless, I decided that my thinning, stretch mark covered retina and I were no longer making up a how-we-met story for the slightly attractive thinning, stretch mark covered retina finding doctor.  I can't imagine-marry someone who will always have access to the tools that magnify my freakishness.

*footnote: Sex and the City fans, that was for you :)

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