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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Single, shaven and starving

There are a few things I like about being single.  I get to be totally selfish, I don't have to answer to anyone, I get to use up all the hours on the DVR for my shows, I don't have to share my bathroom with a dirty boy, and I'm the only one using my stuff, so everything gets put away (and in the proper place, I might add).

There are several things I don't like about being single.  I never have a date for events or holidays, I have to take out the trash (trash is totally man's work) and I have no one to cuddle with but my cat (and let's face it, kitty cuddling is step 2 in the How to Become a Crazy Cat Lady handbook).  But of all the things that suck about being single, I think the two I hate the most are grooming and dieting.

One day (in the recent present) I was in the shower and realized I needed to shave.  And pretty badly, too.  I have a stall shower (Oh, how I miss my bathtub) so I have to balance on one leg while I hoist the other leg up on the wall.  I thought to myself, as I tried my best not to fall over, why do I even bother?  Who am I shaving for, my cat?  Back in my more promiscuous days, I had a reason to groom.  I had to be prepared because I never knew when I might meet a guy and do the ole lay down move around.  Now that I'm in my dry spell (it's like an abandoned house down there, all cobwebs and dust), I kinda just want to go all native like the hippy that came into the tasting room the other day with free flowing hairy pits blowing in the breeze.  Is that not sexy?

I have to admit, I was one of those women who gained weight during marriage.  I feel like The Ex is mostly to blame, though, because he was one of those husbands who told me I was beautiful no matter what.  (I knew there was at least one reason I married him.)  The first three months after he left, not much changed.  Then, suddenly, I completely lost my appetite.  That phenomenon has never happened before or since.  The thought of food made my stomach hurt.  When I did eat, I felt like I was going to throw up.  I lost 18 pounds in less than two months on what is popularly known as The Divorce Diet.  After my House Cleansing Party I, unfortunately, got my appetite back and had to actually work at losing weight.  What a bunch of crap.  So, since then, I have been on this fad diet I heard about where you eat less and exercise more.  I think it's called the It's Not a Fad Diet, It's something.  (It's the same with finances.  Don't spend more than you earn and don't eat more than you burn.  I'm so wise for my years.)  I'm losing weight but all I think about is food, so I rely on a mantra that, if I remember correctly, I learned years ago at Weight Watchers:  I'd rather be hungry than fat.

So, I am reluctantly groomed and perpetually hungry, yet I remain cursedly single.  I already have good looks and a sparkling personality, what more is there?

1 comment:

  1. I lost 60lbs during my "Divorce diet"... and I've got a feather duster you can use to clear out those cobwebs... no sexual innuendo intended... Unless you want there to be. But that's all on you.