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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Recipe for the single and/or lazy

Not Risotto:

Rice
Chicken
Artichokes hearts
Sundried tomatoes
Capers
Wine
Butter
Seasoning

I throw all the ingredients into my rice cooker.  It’s a better cook than I am.  I don’t know how to make one serving of rice.  The smallest number on the inside of my rice cooker is 2.  That’s especially fun when you’re single.  Personally I think it’s some kind of –ist, but I’m not sure which yet.  Singlist?  Alonist?  Anyway, the '2' means that you put two scoops (the scoop came with the rice cooker; I have no idea if it’s a cup or a half cup or a quarter cup.  It’s a Scoop) in the cooker and then fill it with water to the ‘2’ line.  I know this not because I read the directions (which I have never seen and can’t find) but because my ex-husband (rest his soul) told me that’s how to do it.

Usually instead of filling with water all the way to the ‘2’ line, I’ll throw in some wine.  It adds flavor and, if you’ll notice, there are no fruits in the ingredients.  Wine comes from grapes, which are a fruit, so you just go ahead and be generous with that food group.  After you pour some of that food group into the rice cooker, go ahead and pour some into your mouth.  Actually, you should probably pour some in your mouth before pouring it in the cooker to make sure it’s not bad.  It’s called quality control.  I learned that working in the restaurant bizz.

Next throw some butter in there.  Whatever butter you use.  Real butter, fake butter, soybean oil with omega 3’s and no trans fats or hydrogenated oils butter; it all works.  And put whatever amount you want in there.  If you’re one of those skinny it’s-so-weird-I-can-eat-whatever-I-want-and- still-don’t-gain-weight A-holes, then I’ll give you a swift kick in the face and suggest you throw a whole tub in there.  If you’re a yo-yo like me whose fat cells tend to have a convention in her ass with regular meetings in her thighs and belly, then go with a spoonful and be done.

After that I throw in some chicken.  I get the frozen breast strips or whole breasts but you can use whatever part of the chicken you want, it’s your damn Not-Risotto.  In fact, you don’t even have to use chicken.  You can use turkey breasts, if you like turkey any time other than thanksgiving.  Or sausage, if you don’t mind burping it up the rest of the day.  Sometimes it’s worth the sacrifice, I’m just saying.

Then I throw in a can of artichoke hearts and some sundried tomatoes and capers.  If I don’t have sundried tomatoes I’ll use fresh tomatoes or a can of stewed tomatoes.  I’ll use whatever kind of tomatoes I have because I don’t plan ahead and I’m not making a trip to the evil grocery store for one thing.  If you like other things like mushrooms and olives go ahead and throw those in there too.  I personally think they’re an insult to my mouth, but you may feel differently.

Finally, season it all up.  Use whatever you have or think is good.  If you used capers it probably doesn’t need salt but you can still use it if you want, I’m not the boss of you.  I put in a little black pepper, a lot of garlic powder (or some kind of garlic powder mixture that I find because then I only have to use one spice jar) and onion powder or minced onion.  If you’re ballsy and like things spicy hot then throw in some red pepper flakes or something.  I’m naturally spicy hot as a person so I don’t need to add any of that.  Plus I’m a total wuss and my tongue will light on fire.

Plug in the rice cooker and push the button for white rice (because brown rice is for snobby little bitches).  In about forty minutes you’ll have dinner for either several people or several days.

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