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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Nonline dating: Why do I bother? Oh yeah, for the stories.

I took a break from the online dating scene for about six or seven months.  I disappointed many fans in the process, but I needed some time away from the freaks and weirdos.  When I moved back to Northern California towards the end of 2010, I thought, "Hmm, I wonder what the East Bay has to offer," and took my profile pages out of hibernation.  I have since discovered that the East Bay has about as much to offer as a street vendor with an empty cart.

I updated my pictures and changed my age range to 32-37.  The first email I received was from a 41 year old truck driveresque looking man who said, "So are you sticking with your guns on 37?  Don't do it Rambo!"  Yeah, that's what I like.  Being called Rambo.  It's like he could see into my soul.  It's a wonder I didn't respond.  The rest of 2010's nonline experience was just as bad...if not worse.

Dear (username), Thanks, I like my smail, too.  I'm assuming you meant "smile".

(Guys, seriously, please come up with something more original than "Hi, nice smile."  I'm starting to think I could be a smile model.  Do smile models exist?  Do they have to be skinny?)

Dear (username), If you're 35, I'm 11.  Also, I'm pretty sure "wanna talk" is a question, not a statement.  I could be wrong.

(This guy was clearly in his fifties.  Guys, see my post about lying on your online dating profile.)

Dear hardhothandsome, Get your married ass off a dating website.  You are disgusting.  I hope your wife finds out and chops your balls off.

(I chose not to omit this lying, cheating bastard's username.  Partly because he is a sick asshole who deserves to get caught, and partly because his username is pathetic.  His profile picture was of his naked upper body and his face blurred out.  Coward.  His profile said he was looking for "other relationship".  Vomitous.)

Dear (username), Thank you for saying that you adore your mom like nothing else so I know not to respond to your email.  I mean, you can love your mom.  Just don't loooove your mom.

(Cut the cord, guys.  Cut.  The.  Cord.)

Dear (username), Number 1: your username seems kinda girly.  Number 2: this 20th century you speak of is actually the 21st century.  I'd quit bragging about my intelligence if I were you.

(I don't want to completely reveal his username, but it had the words "pelagic" and "maiden" in it.  I don't know what pelagic means, but it sounds pretty feminine.  I need a manly man.  That way, in comparison, I'll seem super ladyish and delicate.  Instead of the clumsy, stumbling excuse for a woman I am now.  Don't be jealous.)

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