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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Nonline dating: A picture is worth a thousand words

I don't understand the photo choices men make in their online dating profiles.  I find myself saying stuff like, "What is the point of this picture?" a lot.  Guys, I don't care about the picture of you when you were five.  It's not cute, it's gross.  I don't want to date a five year old.  Stop posting pictures that don't show your face.  I can find out about all of your awesome hobbies once I've seen that you're not ugly and stupid.

Dear (username), I don’t think those pictures of you surfing are actually pictures of YOU surfing.  Just sayin’.

Dear (username): if you’re going to describe your body type as athletic, maybe don’t make your profile picture a topless one featuring your beer gut.  Because I can read and I can see.  And I can compare and contrast.

(Note to online men: you are not all athletic.  Before you select "athletic" as your body type, take off your clothes and look in a full length mirror.  Do you have definition in your arms and/or legs?  Do you have a six pack?  If you answered no to those questions, you need to put "average" as your body type.  It's okay.  You can be average.  Most people are.  That's why it's called average.  We will be more disappointed that you lied about your body type than by the fact that you're average.  Think about it.)

Dear (username), what made you think the sideways hat was a good choice for your profile picture? 

Dear (username), you say you have black hair but all 7 of your pictures show that you, in fact, have no hair.  I’m totally down with the bald, why you gotta lie to me before we’ve even met?  (sniff, sniff, tear) 

Dudes, honesty is the best policy.  If you're lucky enough to get to meet us, we're going to find out you lied with your pictures.  I know you're thinking that by the time we meet we'll already like you and won't care about the differences.  And we may not care about them, but we will care that you're a BIG FAT LIAR.

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