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Saturday, December 31, 2011

This year in nonline dating: fourth and final quarter

I got the most nonline attention this last quarter after I updated my profile pictures.  Did the quality of men change?  No, no it didn't.  (Unless you think a guy that shaved a nice clean arrow into his upper body pointing to his wiener is high quality.)  Here's what October, November and December did to me:

Dear (user name), Your pictures don't say sexy and mysterious as much as they say angry and rapist.  Just FYI.

Dear (user name), while I am flattered that you picked me to join your open relationship (I'm super into the whole "it's not cheating, we have an understanding" thing), I think I'll pass.  But don't go tempting me again!

Dear (user name), Just because you supposedly work out and play sports does not mean you can say your body type is athletic.  A picture's worth a thousand words and your 7 pictures say, "no neck due to excessive chin and bitch tits visible through shirts" over and over again.

Dear (user name), How does one become an underground hip-hop artist?  And what exactly is that?

Dear (user name): The person who wrote this: "I have a vivid imagination, I am an excellent writer to the point where I should do something with it..." could not have possibly emailed me this: "The Goonies certainly do no ever say die. They ar alve and well in my dvd cabinet. Its good that your still putting the word ut there."  (Bad grammar, bad spelling and the wrong "your."  This guy was like a triple threat of stupid.)

Here are some of the emails I received.  You might want to sit down for these:

"You are so stunningly beautiful and I want to get to know you so bad."  (Hmm, I wonder if he's all about appearances?  I looked at his profile and in one of his pictures he is holding up his wife beater to expose his abs and the caption says: "just so you know I stay fit."  I really wanted to send him back a picture of my stomach hanging over my jeans and say, "just so you know, I don't stay fit.  Still think I'm stunningly beautiful?")

"Hi Jen, I am Tall good looking guy who can dance.Have good day its butt ass cold."  (I might have to steal that phrase butt ass cold.)

Subject line: damn girl
Message: "I wanna coordinate an event on that delicious curvy body.  What's your name sexy thang?"
(throughout his entire profile he compared himself to a car: low mileage, high performance, exterior in mint condition, available for inspection by female drivers only, would love to have little Toyotas one day.  It's too bad he said Toyotas.  I was planning on having Beemers.  It'll never work.)

"Heyy I just want to let you know. that. you are gorgeous. not really expecting a reply seeing as you're a couple years older than but everyone needs an ego boost riiiight?"  What he says he's doing on a typical Friday night: "Out gettin muffffed up. No I'm kidding I'm out of the whole party stage. Don't get me wrong, I still love to go out n have hella fun, just the party scene got old to me."  (This guy is 20 years old.  He's not even old enough to be IN the party scene!)

Needless to say, I will be taking a break from the nonline dating.  Let's see if 2012 brings me a man the old fashioned way.  Like, at a bar or something.

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