At the end of [April 2009] I went to Sacramento for my friend Maggie’s birthday (you may remember Maggie from February when Ladies Man and I used her apartment as a sex cave). James (whose apartment we also used as a sex cave) hosted the party at his place.During the mingling, when I had a nice buzz going, I went up to Ladies Man and whispered, “I don’t know if you got the memo, but I’m fucking you later.” He almost blushed and said fake-shyly, “Oh, really?” I said yep and walked away.
Next came the Texas Holdem tournament where we would repeatedly excuse ourselves to go upstairs to use the bathroom. And we would use the bathroom...and then we'd make out.
Eventually the poker game ended and I didn’t win, but I did get a consolation prize. Another trip to the bathroom and this time we had sex. It reminded me of this Dirty Santa gift exchange I was in once and one of the gifts was a porno called Toilet Sluts. I think that’s what I was at that moment. It was awesome. Later, James told me that someone asked if we were upstairs and he said, “Yeah, they’re hittin’ it.”
The next game was Catch Phrase. No "bathroom" breaks. I was in it to win it on that one.
Not long after the game ended people started trickling out. I saw that Ladies Man was lying on the couch so I decided to share it with him. I fell asleep while people were leaving and woke up to a pounding on the front door. For a while I thought it was part of my dream but it wouldn’t stop so I finally got up and answered the door. I wasn’t happy to have been woken up until Ladies Man started kissing me. Then I was grateful for the interruption, without which I might not have gotten laid…again. Not that I remember all of it. I remember getting started and then…I must have blacked out because next thing I knew I felt like I had just woken up and found myself on top of him. I must be pretty good even while blacking out because he didn’t seem to notice.
In the morning I could hear everyone getting ready to go to breakfast, but we just laid there. When they came downstairs, someone asked, “Are you guys coming to breakfast?” I mumbled, “mmhmm,” but Ladies Man didn’t say anything so I just stayed put. I figured he was thinking we could get in some private action when they left, because that’s what I was thinking. Sure enough, as soon as they left his hand started to wander.
Now, I have a bone to pick with all you men out there who don’t want to use condoms. What’s that about? I mean, I understand if you’re sleeping with someone exclusively, but when you’re single and promiscuous you should always be using a condom. I had a guy tell me once, “You’re the one who gets pregnant.” Spoken like a true deadbeat disease spreader. So, for all the lazy men out there who want to sleep around and not use condoms, I will quote Van Wilder, “Don’t be a fool; wrap your tool.”You can probably guess that the point of my condom rant was because Ladies Man wanted to go bare. I told him if he wanted to get in me he’d have to go in his truck and get a condom. We finally got to bone in an empty apartment at full volume. It was awesome. See, guys? Plastic can be fantastic.