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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Oh lolli-lollipop

A couple of months ago I updated my pictures on my nonline dating profile.  I got 18 emails in one day.  Of those 18, one guy was worthy of a response...because his emails were witty and grammatically correct.  Over the phone he seemed like a bit of a nincompoop, but I went on a date with him anyway.  He was not a nincompoop, he just talked a little like a valley boy surfer.  We went to Zachary's.  The pizza was fantastic, the date was ordinary.  Nothing horrible, but nothing exciting.

When the check came, I did the polite reach for my wallet that I always do on dates.  He didn't stop me with the usual, "I got this."  So I pulled my wallet out of my purse.  He didn't stop me.  I pulled my credit card out of my wallet.  He still didn't stop me.  So I said, slowly, "Do you want to split it?"  He said, quickly, "Yeah, let's split it," and we dropped our credit cards in the check book.  Then he said, "Was that bad? Do I lose points for that?"  And I said, "Yep, you do, actually."  I was just being honest.  It was our first date, he couldn't pay for dinner?*

After the check was paid, three things happened that confirmed I wasn't into him:

1) He asked if my red hair was natural and I said no, but it goes with my fiery personality.  He asked if I was fiery in the bedroom, too.  I said, "That is not first date conversation, sir."  If I was into him I would've said something like, "Do you want me to answer you or show you?" or, "You'll find out soon enough."

2) We were given lollipops with our check and I grabbed one quick style.  I didn't want to kiss him and I figured he wouldn't try to kiss me if I had a lolli stick popping out of my mouth. 

3)  When we left the restaurant he walked ahead of me and opened the door for himself.**  I was hoping he wouldn't walk me to my car.  If I was into him, I'd want him to walk me to my car and kiss me goodnight.

Unfortunately, in this case, he did walk me to my car so I kept my lollipop in my mouth, my hands in my pockets and a safe, unromantic distance between us.  Despite my efforts against it...and my lollipop stick...he kissed me.  We hugged first.  He gave me the tight-grip-hold-on-I'm-gonna-kiss-you-after hug and I gave him the loose-grip-pat-on-the-back-don't-kiss-me-after hug.  I guess he didn't hear what my hug was saying because he leaned in for the kiss.  Me and my lolli stick leaned back.  He leaned in more, and we leaned back more.  He leaned in even more and at this point I couldn't lean back anymore.  Simply because I am not flexible enough.  So I said, "You're gonna kiss me on the first date?"***  He said, "Hell yeah, I'm gonna try."  So I let him kiss me.  I had to take my lolli out of my mouth and I went tight-lip-no-tongue, but he still slobbered on me.  Bleh.

He called me two more times and I finally texted him (as ordered by my most morally sound friend) saying that I didn't think we were a match.  He texted back: I have to agree for many reasons.  I can't help but think you are your own worst enemy.  Wow.  I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like someone is a little butt sore.

*After the third date, I am happy to split the check, I am happy to pay the check, but on dates one through three I want to be wooed.  It doesn't have to be expensive wooing, but if you can't afford to buy a $36 dinner then don't take me to dinner.  Get creative.

**There are little chivalrous things I look for on dates.  One of them is walking beside me, not ahead of me.  Another is opening doors for me.  It's just polite.  Treat me like a lady in public and I'll be a tramp in private.  It's a simple give and take.  Jeez.

***Please, I totally kiss on the first date.  In fact, when I'm into a guy, I find it insulting if he doesn't  kiss me on the first date. But I wasn't into this guy.  Obviously.  I mean, I resorted to prudishness to try to avoid kissing him.  Prudishness!  Me! 

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