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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Chapter 19 (part 1), or Cyber research

In 2009, Easter was in April.  My birthday was two days after so I celebrated both occasions with family in the East Bay.  I don't remember what I did for my birthday, but I do remember having three dreams about The Ex and boning down with Guy from high school (perhaps as a direct result of the dreams, perhaps not.  Either way, we'll talk about that trip to pound town in the next post.)

The dreams made me feel disturbed and frustrated and angry and sad.  They felt a little more like nightmares than dreams.  In every dream I would yell at him.  If [the husband stealer] was there I’d yell at her too.  Sometimes I punched her in the face.  Often times I punched him in the face (ah, those were the parts that made them dreams).  I got to do all the things that I want to do in real life, but I would never feel better when I woke up.  
At times, it gave me pleasure to imagine punching them both in the face.  It gave me more pleasure to imagine afflicting them with words, or as I like to call it, “mental warfare”.  Now, I have never punched someone in the face, nor have I ever been punched in the face.  But I’ve seen a lot of movies and I’m pretty sure a punch in the face will cause damage that will heal in a few days, maybe weeks.  Words can scar a person for life.
            About a month later I would do some cyber research (some might call it cyber stalking; research, stalking, potato, potahto) and find that while I was having those dreams, The Ex was taking her on a cross-country trip.  On my birthday.  (Obviously my birthday wouldn’t mean anything to him anymore, but it should, it’s probably going to be a national holiday one day).  Kind of like the cross-country trip he took me on a few years back.  His Twitter page wasn’t blocked at the time so I read it through to the most recent update.  It just so happened that her twitter page wasn’t blocked either so I did the same thing with hers.  What I found made me want to cry, throw things, and beat him to a pulp.  But all I did was cry.
            I found out that two weeks after he left me he sent her flowers (with no card so they were all mysterious and romantical) for her graduation.  He sent me mysterious and romantical flowers when we first started dating, too.  Four months after he left me he took her to Mexico to meet his dad and stepmom.  We used to go to Mexico to visit them around that time of year because it’s his dad’s birthday.  He took her to see Wicked.  We saw Wicked for my birthday two years before that.  For Valentine’s Day he took her to Mexico again and they got massages.  We went to Mexico for Valentine’s Day the year before and got massages at the exact same place.
            I wanted to ask him why, if he was so unhappy with me, and our life together, was he living the exact same life with her?  And I wanted to tell her to enjoy her recycled romance.   

Note:  For all the women out there who feel like I’m being the cliché woman blaming the other woman, let me explain.  My ex-husband is the one who betrayed me, not her.  He is the one who broke vows and lied and left.  He is one hundred percent to blame.  But she was no innocent victim.  She didn’t think he was single and was shocked to find out he was married.  She knew he was married, she knew who I was, she had talked to me before.  It took both of them to form a relationship outside of our marriage.  Did either of them bother thinking about anyone but themselves?  Did it occur to them that if it was that easy to break our marriage it would be just as easy to break theirs?  Their actions showed complete disregard and disrespect for marriage and that is why I harbor anger towards her as well.

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