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Monday, December 5, 2011

I am woman, hear me...EEK!

     In the three and a half years that I have been single, I have learned that I am a strong, capable woman.  And while I want a man, I don't need a man.  I can take care of my own self.
     I can pay my own bills (thank you automatic bill pay).
     I can take out my own trash (albeit reluctantly and with a scowly face).
     I can take my own car to shop when the maintenance required light goes on (even if it takes me a week...or two).
     I can drive myself to the airport (that is, if my flight is unreasonably too early for a family member to take me).
     I can program my own thermostat (thanks for teaching me how, mom).
     I can put up my own Christmas lights (like the Jew ever helped me with that anyway).
     I can give myself my own orgasm (thank you creator of the vibrator).
     I can even take a shower at night (I still only do that in emergency situations, though.  I've seen enough horror movies to know it's extremely dangerous for a woman to take a shower at night when she's alone in the house).
     But for the life of me, I cannot kill the damn spider that is crawling across my ceiling.  He's small but he's thick and black as night.  (Um, can I get a that's what she said?)  Looking at him makes me want to vomit.  I'm afraid he's going to crawl into my ear while I sleep and lay eggs in my brain.  (Again with the horror movies.)  He's just wandering around my ceiling taunting me.  He can smell fear.
     So, I guess I do need a man.  Not to hook up my TV to my DVR, DVD player and Wii or assemble a some assembly required (which turned out to be ALL assembly required) wooden filing cabinet or set up my printer, but to killthisspider.  Any takers?


  1. Dude, I love spiders. I can take him and move him outside for you. No man required.