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Friday, August 12, 2011

The deadly truth about breakups

A friend of mine recently brought to my attention an article that really spoke to me.  I am immediately jealous of the writer, Kathy Benjamin, for being smart, witty and talented all at the same time.  I am clumsy, lazy and spastic all at the same time.  However, I think it requires a bit of talent, wit and smarts to survive with those characteristics...so, basically, I'm equally as awesome as my new friend, Kathy.  (Does she have to know that I exist to be my friend?)

I'm not sure what the rules are on plagiarism (nor did I know how to spell plagiarism, thank you spell check) so I would like to note that the following titles and quoted information I comment on are from Kathy Benjamin's article "6 Scientific Reasons Breakups Suck Worse Than You Think" on www.cracked.com.

#6, You Might Be Ruining Your Friends' Lives Too
"When a couple breaks up or divorces, their immediate friends and family are 75 percent more likely to break up as well."

I suppose that's where the saying 'misery loves company' comes from.  The Ex left me a year after my sister and her husband split up.  How kind of him to make us both statistics.  When my marriage broke up, everyone around me remained sickeningly in love.  Assholes.

#5, You Go Into Withdrawal
"When shown a picture of someone you are in love with, the centers of your brain responsible for motivation and reward (the same that are stimulated by other addictive substances like drugs and alcohol) become more active."

Apparently, being in love gives you the same kind of high that you get from drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.  Furthermore, getting over a breakup has the same side effects and withdrawal symptoms as quitting those nasty habits.  So, theoretically, one could go so far as to say that moving on and finding someone new after a break up is equivalent to falling off the wagon.  Looks like I'm ready for my 900 day chip.  Congratulations to me.

#4, You Get Poorer or Lonelier...For YEARS
"After a breakup, a woman's financial situation becomes much worse than when she was in a relationship...Men tend to get lonelier than women after a breakup, and are statistically more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol."

In other words, women no longer get to spend their husband's statistically higher paycheck and men turn into whiny little bitches crying into their appletinis. 

The part about women was not true for me.  After my break up, I got quite a bit richer, actually.  In money (thank you, alimony) but, also, in sadness (thank you, lying, cheating, coward).  A classic example of taking the good with the bad, I suppose. 

The part about men was not true for The Ex.  Maybe that statistic doesn't apply to cliches who leave their wife for the tramp at work.  I have definitely seen it apply to men who have been left, though.  They all have the same sissy lala sob story: some girl broke his heart and she was the only one, the perfect one and he'll never be the same, and blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, maybe that's acceptable in a Nicholas Sparks novel, but in real life?  WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN?!

 #3, You Go A Little Crazy
"...after a relationship ends people tend to go through a serious identity crisis...and are more likely to make rash decisions or changes that might not be good for them."

Not me!  I didn't completely lose my sense of self and struggle with who I was and what I liked and what I wanted.  I didn't make any rash decisions, either.  Not at all!  Unless, well, does engaging in semi-dangerous sexcapades with random strangers and minor acquaintances as a means of boosting my self esteem, even though it never really worked, count as rash and not good for me?  I feel like it's a matter of opinion.

#2, You Can Actually Die of a Broken Heart
"All because your body thinks that breaking up with Chad from the Apple Store requires the same physical exertion as running from a goddamned tiger."

Make a note: if it feels like your heart is being squeezed between a vice and a contestant from The Biggest Loser is sitting on your chest, you're either being dumped or having a heart attack.  When it happened to me I was being dumped, but evidently, our bodies react the same way to being dumped as they do to having a heart attack.  So, I could have died of a broken heart.  And I can't help but wonder, if one does die of a broken heart, does one's ex get arrested for murder?

#1, It Can Give You Freaking Cancer
"On top of the normal sniffles that can result from a suppressed immune system, scientists think that depression can cause and/or exacerbate cancer, arthritis and osteoporosis."

Sing it with me!  The being dumped bone's connected to the depression bone, the depression bone's connected to the weak immune system bone, the weak immune system bone's connected to the disease bone...

Again, it makes me wonder, if one gets cancer from a broken heart, does one's ex have to pay one's medical bills?

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