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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Chapter 24, or The Lovely Liotta


            My name change had gone through almost exactly a year after The Ex left [June 2009], so I felt that such auspicious timing should be rewarded with a party.  Are you shocked?  I had what I called my Name Change Party (there’s no such thing as a bad party title).   I sent out an Evite saying this:
Hello, my name is Jen Liotta.  Would you like to come to my party and meet the new me?  I'll have snacks and drinks, games, karaoke, or we can go bar hopping if that tickles your fancy (we have bars in Chino Hills now!).  Whatever we do it'll be awesome because I'm a Liotta again!
I went to Costco and Bevmo to get snacks and mixers for cocktails.  My plan was to name everything after me (an all about me party, I’m a genius).  I put place cards by all the appetizers.  I had pesto and liotta Brie, chipotle liotta mini tacos, beef and cheese quesadiliottas, and sweet liotta cakes.  I made two signature cocktails, one that represented me and one that represented The Ex.  For his drink I wanted to make some version of an Adios Mother Fucker.  Appropriate, no?  I called it the Death to The Ex.  And for my drink I wanted something dainty and delicious, just like me (what, I don’t come across as dainty?).  I called it the Lovely Liotta.
            The day of the party I sent an email to everyone I knew saying this:
Okay family and friends, I finally got myself a new email address!  Drum roll please.........

                disneylady78@gmail.com

     No more lame “The Ex” email address, and the Name Change Party is tonight!!!  Featuring two drinks: The Lovely Liotta, and the Death to The Ex!  Don’t be jealous that I’m totally creative.
     If you want to send me an email telling me how awesome you think I am, please do not reply to this one.  Use the fantastic new address above!

xoxo,
Jen LIOTTA

My dad responded with this:  
Awesome party drink names.  What is in them?  Let me suggest that the Lovely Liotta be a sweet, tasty, and caring drink that will make you feel good, while the Death to The Ex should be just fun enough to try, containing the latest mix of rebellious booze that will leave its taste in you for several years, and then suddenly leave without reason.  Love you, Dad.
I almost peed my pants laughing.  I decided to write those descriptions on note cards and place them in front of the punch bowls.  The description of the Death to The Ex was the hit of the party.
I made my friends in attendance wear name tags that said, “Hello, my name is” and then their first name followed by my last name.  Midway through the party I made them all take out their cell phones and change my last name.  Then it was time to play games.  We broke out the Wii and everyone laughed at me while I kicked ass at Dance Dance Revolution.  I guess I looked funny Dance Dancing in a dress, but not as funny as I looked playing Twister in a dress.  I tried to go change into shorts but my friends would not have that.  They were like hell no, you’re playing in that dress and we’re going to take pictures.  So I was like, fine.  They’re the ones that had to stare at my fat ass.

                              In case you can't tell, my ass is in my friend's face.  Ha to the ha.

          I am thankful to my friends for celebrating my new slash old name like they were ringing in a new year.

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