I don't know what it is about grocery shopping that makes me lose my shit. It's almost immediate. Upon entering a grocery store my chest tightens, my pulse quickens, anxiety increases, tears start to pool behind my eyeballs, ready to go any second, and I feel like I'm going to pee, poo and vomit all at the same time. It's basically just a race to get what I need and get the hell out of there.
As if all that isn't enough, today I got a whiff of what I call a Leg Open Button cologne. You know, when you smell a cologne so delicious that your knees just start to part? Acqua di Gio is one of my Leg Open Button colognes. And Drakkar Noir, well, a quick sniff of that one and not only do my knees start to part but my underwear basically disintegrates. Am I right, ladies?
I don't know what I got a whiff of today, but it got really hard to walk normal. (It's not enough I have to strain my brain to figure out what food I need, now I have to concentrate on walking, too?) I was afraid to look around and see who might be the wearer of this dangerlicious scent because a) he might have been attractive, and b) he might not have been. If he had been attractive I probably would've started shaking like a chihuahua and sweating like a prom queen virgin. Then I'd trip over my own shopping cart and/or bump into something. If he had not been attractive, the whole sexy cologne image I've made up in my mind would've been ruined. I figured it was a lose-lose situation, so I kept my eyes forward and focused on my goal: to get the hell out of there.