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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Scooby Snack

The Scooby Snack is a guy seven years younger than me that rented out some wiener time in my hoohah for almost a year.  There are a lot of stories revolving around this beautiful piece of man candy, but right now I'm only going to tell the last one.

I had gone out with some friends who got me nice and tossed.  I cabbed back home at the end of the night and called Scooby as soon as I walked in my apartment, around 2:30am.  I was like, "Hey, wanna have sex?"  Or something equally charming.  And he was like, "Yeah!"  Or something equally agreeable.  There were other words exchanged, but I don't really remember them.  Not because it's been a few months since this happened, but because I was that drunk.

He came over, we had the sex, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the middle of the night to find him slowly and quietly getting dressed.  I found this highly irritating.  Why, you ask?  Because I was drunk!  In fact, for the sake of time, let's just assume that the answers to all of your questions are going to be, "Because I was drunk."

So, I'm drunk and irritated and I say, "Are you seriously sneaking out right now?"  He said he had to go.  I rolled over, facing away from him, and said, "Fine!  Sneak out like I'm some cheap slut!"  He climbed in bed and snuggled me and tried to kiss me.  Very sweet attempts to soothe me (the drunk, profane baby that I was), but they did not soothe me.  I kept turning my head away from him.  I was like, "No!  Just go!  Just leave like I'm some cheap slut!"  He said, "You woke me up because you slapped me in the face and then you farted on me."  Instead of laughing, which would've been the proper response, I said, "Good!  You deserved it!"

I think he still kissed me goodbye after that.

The next morning I sent him a text asking why he left in the middle of the night.  He replied, "First of all, it was 7am [ooooooh, shit]. It just seemed like the middle of the night because of the 3 hours of sleep.  And I've often left at that time to feed my pup.  I tried to wake you up.  I dropped my keys to make noise, I dropped my phone with a loud thud, but it didn't wake you.  And then when you did wake up you turned mean.  It was not appreciated."

So, yeah.  Drunk, mean and disgusting.  That's how you scare away a perfectly good scooby snack.  In case you were wondering.

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