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Thursday, May 2, 2013

The new man lady doctor

I was due for my annual visit and my lady doctor up and moved on me.  My best friend, Rebecca (the vagina nurse), recommended a new doctor at her office - a man lady doctor.  I've only seen a man lady doctor once in my life and he was extremely awkward.  Rebecca assured me that Dr. D is not awkward and I should just suck it up and get over my weirdness about man lady doctors.  I've been listening to her for 20 years, why stop now?

I made my appointment and sent Rebecca this text: "scheduled to have my hooha inspected by dr. damn D tomorrow.  He better not be good looking or i will pee on your face!"

I learned that Dr. D is a handsome man, but handsome in a you-could-be-my-dad's-friend way, not a how-about-you-throw-away-that-speculum-and-use-your-penis-instead way.  So, all good there.  But it's still such an uncomfortable situation, I can't help but be inappropriate.

When he walked in he introduced himself, "Hi Jen, I'm Dr. D and this is nurse A who will be joining us."  I replied in a sing-song, "It's a party in heeere."  They laughed, he looked over my chart (which wasn't a chart like on the TV shows, it was a file on a computer right there in the exam room) and then explained what he would be doing.  "I'm going to start with the breast exam and then do the pap and pelvic exam."  I said, "Are you gonna buy me dinner first, D?"  He laughed again and said, "We might have some coupons up front."

I laid back to get felt up (in a breast cancer inspecty kind of way, of course) and as he started the exam he said, "So what kind of food do you like?"  For a split second I thought he was trying to lamely distract me from any boob-in-his-hand induced awkwardness, but then he said, "So I know what kind of coupon to look for."  Nice.  Well played Dr. D.

Then it was time to scoot my ass (literally) to the end of the table and prop my feet in the stirrups.  I said, "Usually when I get in this position, people think I'm a slut."  Dr. D. laughed and tried to fight the urge to comment, but couldn't resist.  He said, "How often do you get in this position, Jen?"  Loving Dr. D.

I made it through the most uncomfortable part (with the help of back and forth jibber jabber and nonsense to keep us all laughing) and when we were all done he said, "This has been my most entertaining appointment!"  I said, "Oh, good, so I haven't been banned?"  He said, "You have carte blanche to this office!"

Sweet.  I've been given carte blanche to a place where invasive, embarrassing and uncomfortable things happen.  I really need to learn to harness my power.

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