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Friday, October 14, 2011

Chapter 17, or The worst date ever


Thinking about this date [with sloppy kissing East Coast Jew Musician from Chapter 16] still makes me feel ill.  His looks were bad, his personality was worse and he was borderline creepy.  So, to save me from vomiting, I’m going to muscle through this date by simply listing the reasons why it was the worst date ever.

1.     The whole night he called me by my full name: Jennifer Liotta.  Jennifer Joanne.  Jennifer Joanne Liotta.  Who does that?  I must’ve told him to call me Jen a million times.  Hey Slobby Magee, those giant ears are for listening.
2.     He said, “I think I saw your headshot online.  Yeah, that was you.  Jennifer Liotta”  Yep, he googled me.  And told me about it!  I felt a little violated, actually.  And not in a good way.  The first thing I did the next day was to email The Ex and ask him to take down my super old webpage that I had forgotten about.
3.     One piece of our dinner conversation consisted of him telling me that he’d been on Prozac for the last eleven years.  Now, I’ve been on my fair share of low dosage antidepressants, but I don’t think the subject is first date dinner conversation.
4.     Throughout dinner he kept trying to hold my hands across the table and do the Creepy Rub.  The Creepy Rub can also be known as the Romantic Caress when done by a person that doesn’t make you want to vomit.  To get him to stop I put one hand on the chair next to me and held my wine glass with the other.  Every time I switched from wine to water he would take the opportunity to grab my hand.  So I’d say I needed my hand and then search through my purse for Chap Stick.  I did everything I could to make my hands unavailable and avoid the Creepy Rub.  Nothing polite I was doing worked so finally I told him that he was making my hands itch.
5.     There were two times we had to use the restroom.  (People have asked me why I didn’t leave when he was in there and all I could say was, “oh, man, why didn’t I think of that!”  It didn’t even occur to me to escape the date.  I may sound mean but I’m actually quite nice.)  The first time he went he kissed me before he left.  He kissed me!  I didn’t even see it coming so I couldn’t stop him!  He kissed me and said, “I think you’re a very beautiful woman.”  I have never felt so grossed out by those words in my life.  I’m not your girlfriend!  Go to the bathroom and come back and leave me alone in the process!  The second time he went to the bathroom he asked if he could kiss me.  I acted like I didn’t hear him and got all uncomfortable.  He could tell, so he said, “I’m making you uncomfortable; I’ll just go for the shoulder.”  And he kissed my shoulder!  My bare shoulder!  It’s kind of an intimate place to kiss someone and it was so territorial; I felt like he was peeing all over me.
6.     When karaoke was starting I found two couples at the bar that would be participating and started talking with them.  Suddenly I felt arms go around my waist and hands clasp in the front.  It was Slobby MaGee!  He actually wrapped his arms around me like we were teenagers taking a photo at prom or had been dating for months.  So I used my hands to remove his.  He put them back.  I removed them.  He put them back.  I removed them again and he said to the strangers I had just met, “Have you met Jennifer Liotta?  Jennifer Liotta is a great singer.”  I said, “You haven’t even heard me sing.”  I told the strangers we were on a first date.  They thought that was so cute.  ECJM put his arms around me again and I removed them again, so he said to the strangers, “Jennifer Liotta doesn’t like it when I touch her or give her compliments.”  Well, now I looked like an asshole so I shouted, “I’ve been divorced for one month!”  From the strangers,  “Aw, you’re just divorced?”  ECJM started to interject when one of the strangers said, “She just got divorced; it’s not about you!”  Now I had friends.  I invited them to join us for karaoke so I wouldn’t have to be alone with inappropriate handsy man.
7.     I wanted to leave after I’d sung all my songs but I didn’t know how to tell Handsy that I was ready to leave because I was afraid he’d walk me to my car and try to kiss me.  Bleh.  So I just kept dancing with my new friends.  We were rocking a classic from the 90’s when I saw Handsy get up, put on his jacket and walk outside.  I thought to myself, I’m pretty sure he’s not a smoker.  Is he leaving?  Is he walking out on me?  Is he mad because I’m not dancing with him?  Well, if he’s going to be a big baby I’m not going to chase after him.  And then I thought, I’ve been looking for a way out of this since dinner, if I knew we could just walk out I would’ve!  Maybe I could’ve avoided that nasty shoulder kiss.  I continued dancing.  Shortly after the song ended my new friends were ready to leave so I took that opportunity to leave also.  Just to be safe I texted Handsy to ask where he went.  What if he just stepped outside and then I take off and I’m the asshole?  I’d much rather have him be the asshole.  I decided that if he didn’t respond to the text by the time I got to my car I’d call him.  One last way to cover my ass.  Damn my parents for raising me with manners!  He didn’t answer when I called so I left him this message: “Hi Handsy, it’s Jen; I saw you leave but I don’t know where you went so I’m thinking one of two things happened.  One, you went outside to get some air and I missed you on my way out; two, you went outside to get some air and were kidnapped and murdered; or secret option number three, you’re being a big baby because I wasn’t giving you enough attention so you left.  Sooo, hope you didn’t get murdered, bye!”  He called me the next afternoon and left this message, “Hey Jennifer, it’s Handsy, I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night.  I think I had too much to drink and my judgment was impaired, I just saw you dancing and having so much fun so I left.  I understand if you never want to speak to me again, butIhopethatyoudon’t, but if you never want to speak to me again..I think you’re an amazing woman and I wish you the best in everything.  Hopeyoudon’thatemebye.”  He had too much to drink so he decided to drive 30 miles back to LA?  Jackass.  About six hours later he sent me a text: you can hate me if you want to.  What are we, 12?

Now, any one of these things on their own may not seem like such a disaster (except #7) but when you put them all together it’s a recipe for a crap sandwich.  Lessons learned:   
1.  Never go on a date just to go on a date.
        2.  Jews and Liottas just don’t mix.

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