One day, I was hanging out with my favorite gay and he said, "I made a list of reasons why you're a gay man." Then he read it to me. And it was fabulous! It took some time and begging to get a copy and his permission to post it, but here it is, for your reading pleasure:
The top 10 ten reasons why Jen is a gay man:
1. Turn ons: party planning, Disney figurines, cocktails and large penises
(Right away he makes a good point.)
2. Turn offs: girl on girl, straight douche bags, church, children and sobriety
(I like that he put church and children in the same category as douche bags. He knows me so well.)
3. Hobbies: memorizing musicals, going to Disneyland, dusting her Gone with the Wind memorabilia, boozing with friends, and hunting through online "dating" sites looking for "deep committed relationships."
(Yes, I do all that. Except the dusting part. I don't dust anything. Like every good gay man, I have a housekeeper for that.)
4. Major in college: Drama
(A bachelor's degree in drama and nearly perfect gaydar. Money well spent, mom and dad!)
5. Her motto: Every bad situation is made better with theme parties and drinking.
(Duh. A party should always have a theme. And I would prefer costume theme parties, but I can never get these straighties to dress up for me!)
6. A good night out starts with a few cocktails, transitions to some dancing or karaoke with more drinks, closely followed by a half remembered orgasm from some man meat who strayed to close.
(Cocktails, dancing, karaoke, picking off a stray...who could ask for anything more?)
7. She understands that every good vacation must include plenty of booze and getting some ass.
(One of my gays referred to my travels as my "hump around the world tour." I look at sex with a stranger in a foreign country as more of a once in a lifetime opportunity than a slutty sexcapade. It makes sense if you think about it...or if you don't think about it for too long.)
8. She kicks her friends out of the hotel room so she can have anonymous sex with bartenders at gay pride.
(That does sound awfully gay man-esque, doesn't it?)
9. Want to piss her off? Tell her about how you believe marriage can only be between a man and a woman!! Yea that's right shes pro equality and she has the NO H8 pictures to prove it!!!!
(I may not want to marry a woman, but I don't want to be told I can't! It's called civil rights people! And they touch up those NO H8 pictures to make you look so fierce!)
10. Sure; kindness, intelligence, stability, and a sense of humor are all important things to look for in a man. Jen wants those things, and right after she finds out how good they are in bed she'll look into all that.
(I mean, come on. You wouldn't buy a house without having an inspection done, right?)
Thank you to my favorite gay (you know who you are) for creating this awesome list and letting me share it with millions (a girl can dream) of strangers.