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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Walking penises

I want to meet a man I don't want to sleep with.

Not because I'm not attracted to him, but because I am.  Because, when I look at him, I don't just see a walking penis.  Because the first thing in my head is, "This guy is a cool human," instead of, "Hmm, would I bang this guy?"

Sometimes I feel like a dude.  Only looking for a lay because looking for actual potential is scary in that it requires a great amount of vulnerability and opens the door for a vast amount of heartbreak.  It's much easier just to have the sex.  You know what you're in for and expectations stay low.  And simple.  And heartbreak free.

With low expectations one doesn't picture holding hands* and going on surprisingly romantic dates.  With low expectations one doesn't start hyphenating their last freakin' name and imagine taking freakin' mini breaks together.  With low expectations things can only get better, right?  In theory, yes.  In the life of Jen?  Not so much.

So I'm not sure I want my expectations to stay low, scary as it is to admit.  I don't know, maybe I'm growing out of promiscuity like one grows out of their clothes.  So, I feel like I have two choices.  I can keep my expectations low, simple and heartbreak free with the life of a cat-lady spinster looming in my future; or I can remember that I have impossibly high expectations.  And my impossibly high expectations will either lead me to the greatest love of all (thank you, Whitney Houston) or devastating heartbreak with the life of a cat-lady spinster looming in my future.

Considering cat-lady spinsterhood is a possible outcome either way, I might as well aim high.  This doesn't mean that I don't have anymore old sexcapades to share.  It just means that (hopefully) I won't have any new ones.  Goodbye to walking penises!  Hello to men I don't want to have sex with!  Ya know, at first.  I'm still a woman for cryin' out loud.

*Holding hands, in my opinion, is one of the most beautifully intimate gestures.  I know it doesn't seem so.  But when you think about it, when do we hold someone's hand?  When we're in a crowd.  When we cross the street.  When we're running away from a bad guy in a movie.  It's a way to keep someone close.  It's a gesture that implies if I let you go, I might lose you.  And then the bad guy will get you because I run faster.  Okay, I got a little carried away, but you get the idea.

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