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Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Hangover - but for reals

Looking over last year's new years resolutions I realized the only one I accomplished was to lose 15 pounds (thank you, dumb detox).  Sadly, that was the most realistic of my resolutions.

We're already three days into twenty thirteen and I haven't thought of any resolutions (except for the old faithful - lose 15 pounds).  I'm not gonna be too hard on myself though.  At least I didn't wake up in the ER again.  Wait, you haven't heard the New Year's Eve 2011 story?  Well, good thing I have no shame.  Gather round, kids!  Pull up a cocktail and lend an ear!  Here goes:

There were seven of us.  We went to Walnut Creek.  Well, first we had a few pre New Year's Eve party cocktails before the New Year's Eve party...and not quite enough food to go with them...and then we went to Walnut Creek.  It was one of those wasted-hits-you-like-a-ton-of-bricks situations, if you know what I mean?  I don't remember walking to the second bar.  I don't remember taking my shoes off.  I don't remember walking outside and sitting on a bench.

I vaguely remember throwing up on myself.  I vaguely remember a police officer offering me a ride in either his car or an ambulance.  (Even in my hazy blur the drunk tank sounded way worse than an ambulance, so I chose ambulance.)  I vaguely remember calling all six of my friends and only one answering.

Then I woke up on a gurney in the ER with no shoes, no purse and no people.  (I didn't have alcohol poisoning, they didn't pump my stomach.  They did nothing but stick a saline drip in my arm.  Which did NOT help with the hangover the next day.  Thanks for nothing, John Muir.)  They had me sign some paperwork and asked if I had anyone to pick me up.  I had no phone and no money for a taxi.  I have my sister's phone number memorized, but when I called her phone went straight to voice mail.  Guess what other phone numbers I have memorized?  Yep!  My parents'.  I had to call my parents to pick me up from the ER at 5am.  They were so proud.

When I woke up at their house later that morning I called my sister.  (NOW she charges her phone.)  I said, "Soooo, I'm tryin' to piece together the puzzle."  She laughed.  And then I laughed.  Because really, what else were we supposed to do?  It was like The Hangover minus the tiger and the baby.  Even with all seven of our stories combined, there were still holes.  Here's what I did find out:

My sister and three of our friends didn't even make it to the second bar, they took a taxi home - because a police officer made them.  So there was only me and two of our friends at the second bar.  They weren't allowed in the ambulance with me so they followed in a taxi.  They were going to hang out in the waiting room until I woke up, but got kicked out for being loud and obnoxious.  And took my purse with them.  Which is why I woke up with no money and no phone.  As far as the no shoes part; I took them off, set them on the bar top and left them there.  Luckily, the bartender put them behind the bar and I retrieved them the next night.

It's definitely laughable now, but I'm literally still paying for that laugh - in monthly installments.  In case you're wondering what the moral of this story is, it's not be more responsible or don't drink so much.  No, it's memorize more phone numbers!

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