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Saturday, August 24, 2013


So (pause for dramatic effect), I got me one of them boyfriends.  Yep, that's right.  Hell froze over.

And this boyfriend of mine...he wants to have those baby things one day.  Babies. Offspring.  Mini-humans.  Leave it to me.  I finally find the man of my dreams* and he wants to reproduce.  One day.  Not right now, obviously.**

We're in our mid 30's (he's 2 years younger than me so he's actually still considered early 30's.  The dick.) so we don't hesitate to talk about the "serious" stuff like marriage and kids.  So, yesterday, I asked him, "What's your timeline for the having of the kids?" He said five years.  Phew!  I was thinking five years, too.  I'm in no rush.  I know some people I can talk to about the condition of my eggs.  I mean, I should probably find out if they're over easy or hard boiled or whatever.

I told him I was glad he said five years because I'm still very scared and nervous when it comes to the idea of having kids.  It was a lot easier when I just wasn't going to have them.  He's such a dear, he asked me what my fears were.

Really?  Okay, (deep breath) here's what goes through my head when I think about having a kid:

Being pregnant is cool because you get a lot of attention.  But then every mom you know is a fucking genius and knows exactly what you need and doesn't get you anything you registered for because none of that worked for their perfect little snot dispenser.

Then you have the baby and there's a nursery to decorate and a cute little doll to dress up.  But you have to make sure that cute little doll doesn't die because it's not a doll, it's a mini-human.

And then the mini-human starts growing up and you have to make sure it goes to a really good school so it gets a great education and becomes a functioning member of society - and hopefully doesn't get beaten to death or bullied by all the other little assholes it's going to school with (and don't get me started on the asshole parents of those asshole kids). And it'll have friends that are idiots and try to get them to do stupid shit.  Or, what if my kid is the asshole that's bullying or trying to get other kids to do stupid shit?

And it's gonna want to drink and do drugs and have sex and I'm gonna be like, slow down slut, you're 12 [whether it's a boy or a girl]!  And it's gonna be like, you don't understand me at all, you have no idea what this is like, I hate you!  And I'm gonna want to say, fuck you, you little shit, I do too understand and I know exactly what it's like, but I saved my sluttiness for after my divorce!  But I can't say that because it'll be like, what? you were divorced? You were married before Dad? My whole life is a lie! And then I'll have to explain a whole shit load of shit it won't understand because it's 12!

Now, in my crazy head, that's just the "normal" stuff.  There's a whole other can of crazy worms to open.  What if I hate it?  What if I think it's annoying and/or stupid?  What if I look at it as the thing that ruined my life?  Or boyfriend is quite a creative gem*** so there' s no way the two of us aren't gonna make some dancing/singing/acting triple threat mother fucker of a kid...what if I'm jealous of it?

And this is just scratching the surface.

I told him all of these things.  For real.  And then asked if he still loved me.  He said he did still love me.  And he didn't brush me off with the typical, "Yeah, but it's so rewarding and we'll have little slaves to take care of us when we're old" bullshit.  Instead, he put together a bunch of rational sentences pertaining to his understanding of my fears and why they are valid.  Thank God one of us is a grown up.  Or we'd be in big trouble.  I mean, I'm afraid of unborn mini-humans, for crying out loud.

*I should probably write about him at some point.  It's just that, as it was in high school, it's hard to write about happy stuff!  I'll work on it, though.  Promise.

**Well, not obviously to you because you didn't know I had a boyfriend...and that we've only known each other for two months.

***I found my half gay man!

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