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Monday, October 29, 2012

Grandmas say the darndest things: another batch of crazy

Grandma got some tests done and it's official: she has frontal lobe dementia.  Apparently it's a pretty difficult form of dementia and often times the "signs" aren't recognized for many years.  In other words, before you call your grandma a bat-shit crazy bitch, take her to have her brain x-rayed.  Or whatever it is they do.  Anyway, here are some more of the stories she's made up:

The house she's living in is going to be divided into 2 pieces (no, it's not).  In one half will be the old people who can't take care of themselves, you know, the kind that need help walking and wiping their own ass (people like her). In the other half will be my sister's ex-ex-boyfriend and a few of his police officer buddies, because they're going to help take care of said old people.  Not her, of course, she's going to have to move out because...wait for it...she's getting married!

Yep, she and Laurie (if you recall, Laurie is her first love and the 90-something year old man I'm trying to steal from her) are getting married!  When, you ask?  Well, when is the party?  What party, you ask?  The one my mom is throwing for her (she's not throwing a party for her) on Sunday, that's what the party is for, after all!  (Hey mom, remember that mystery party you're throwing for grandma?  It's her wedding!  You're gonna have a new daddy!  It's important that you remember that just because she loves Laurie, it doesn't mean she doesn't still love you).  Which Sunday, you ask?  She doesn't know, it's whatever Sunday comes after she moves out of the house (you know, after it gets divided into 2 pieces.  You gotta remember the details if you're gonna keep up.  If you're having trouble remembering the details you might want to have you brain x-rayed.  If this conversation made you dizzy, welcome to our world).

My favorite new story of hers is, of course, about The Ex.  You see, The Ex has been chanting my name in the middle of the night (possible, but not likely) and his new wife didn't take too kindly to that behavior, so...she shot him.  Now, I'm not saying that my Grandma's stories are premonitions, but she has always been a little clairvoyant.  Just sayin'.

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